Divorce

A friend in California recently e-mailed us about her daughter, a university graduate student, attending a planning meeting at her advisor's house. During the meeting, some mention was made about her advisor's "current wife." Not only did the term "current wife" have a strange ring to our friend, but also to me. "Ex-wife" I have heard before, yet it does not have the same effect on me as "current wife." Isn't it a bit unusual to think of a spouse as some temporary or disposable item? Is it now common to think of marriage much like buying a car? When one gets tired of the car, it gets older, or has a lot of miles, it can simply be traded in for a new model, maybe a blonde with one of those great shapes or a fellow who seems more interesting.

Being what some today might call "old fashioned," I have always viewed marriage as a life-long commitment, not some arrangement to be discarded when those inevitable problems arise. I've been in one now for almost 43 years. Even though my view of divorce may no longer be popular, that does not mean it is wrong and should be considered out-dated. There have been numerous divorces in my extended family over the years; when one involved those close to us, the divorce was extremely painful.

Divorce is always a traumatic affair to the extended family, to the couple, but especially to any children involved. The idea today that children are resilient and can get through a divorce with it having little or no impact on them is most certainly false. How that silly view ever became acceptable is amazing to me. Was it the result of the feminist movement or some other factor?"

Gender, age, and developmental stage all have a bearing on how children are affected by divorce. A child's security and stability most certainly suffer, but among the many other responses children may have to divorce are the following: feeling abandoned, worrying parents do not love them, feeling like the parent who left divorced them, feeling helpless because they cannot bring parents together, feeling angry although they may show no signs of anger, feeling they are at fault, grieving much like grieving after a death, and having loyalty conflicts. Today, 40 percent of kids come from broken homes. Many will have life-long scars.

Even though there have not been any long-term studies on the effect of parent divorces on children 18 years and older, there is anecdotal evidence that parent divorces affect the child even if that "child" is an adult with a home and family of his/her own. In addition, there may be a correlation between the parents' divorce and divorce in their children's marriages.

Additionally, many behaviors may be evident in the children of divorce such as: acting out, having sleep problems, experiencing problems at school, developing nervous habits or repetitive physical behavior, bed wetting, becoming fearful, using comfort items, becoming clingy or whiny, needing more understanding for their moods and behaviors, having greater need to be nurtured, and feeling the need to give up childhood in order to care for troubled parents. More serious problems may occur also, such as suicide, drug abuse, and violence.

According to a recent study conducted by Georgia College and State University economist Ben Scfafidi divorce and out of wedlock childbearing costs taxpayers more than $112 billion a year. The study does not discuss which costs more nor does it make formal recommendations, instead suggesting that state and federal lawmakers consider investing more money in programs intended to improve marriages. A program such as this has been in place in Oklahoma since 2001, and last year Texas earmarked about $15 million in federal funds for marriage education. Some individuals not connected with the study say there is no evidence such programs work or that they are cost effective. Another expert not connected with the study suggested that bigger investments in education would pay long-term dividends, even improving economic prospects for children from fragmented and disadvantaged families. When almost one in two marriages end in divorce, many involving children, and about 40 percent of kids in America are born out-of-wedlock, this country has a problem needing immediate attention.

As a teacher on the elementary, middle school, high school, and college levels for almost 40 years, I personally have seen the devastating effects of divorce on young people. Where abuse is present, divorce may be the only option, but short of that, stronger marriages and less divorce would benefit our society. How best to achieve that ideal remains the question.

Copyright 2008 by Don Emerson